My Story

My childhood was at once very loving and incredibly chaotic.

Growing up in an environment that could be unpredictable, I was always on alert. Always aware of what might upset someone, always conscious of not causing a stir or creating ripples.
Making people happy became a source of safety. If I could keep the peace, be good, and make things easy for those around me, life would go more smoothly. People pleasing became one of my greatest talents.

Unfortunately, the thing that helped me navigate childhood also became the thing that caused me the most difficulty as an adult. I didn’t feel safe if people were upset with me. People not liking me was devastating. I would spend hours dissecting social interactions, going over things I said or didn’t say.

Things got worse when my daughter was born. All the underlying fears – of being not good enough, of getting it wrong, of letting people down – that I had managed to control throughout the years were amplified by the prospect of being a parent. Of not being good enough for her. Of getting it wrong with her. Of letting her down.

I wanted to be the mother I knew I could be.

And so I turned inward. And that journey took me back to myself. After a lifetime spent focused on what other people thought and felt, what made other people happy, I began to consider my own thoughts and feelings, my own wants and needs. What made me happy. And as I learned to embrace the parts of me that had been neglected for so long, I realized that giving them space didn’t take away from the space I had for others. I was more present with my loved ones when I was kinder to myself.

Over time, I’m creating new patterns, changing and coming back to myself all at the same time. Which is, in many ways, what I understand healing to be; a homecoming. A returning to ourselves, to our true nature, to the person we are underneath the armour we needed for one leg of the journey.